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tomwald

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The Onion A.V Club's take on Austin's Critical Mass

The Onion A.V. Club's take on Austin Critical Mass.

Editor's note:  In 2025 I noticed that the original article is no longer published, so I'm reposting it from the Internet Archive

by Devon Tincknell July 30, 2009

Like all cities catering to the well-educated and conscientious, Austin brews self-entitlement the way Seattle brews lattes. While it’s all too easy to tout the city’s advantages—from a live-and-let-live philosophy that borders on hegemony to the vibrant music scene and so on—that civic pride can oh-so-easily slide into vanity. As such, Austinites can be brutal about slamming anything they see as threatening their cherished way of life. Here The A.V. Club examines some of the city’s most common Points Of Contention and debates whether they deserve their bad raps. This edition: the monthly bicyclist empowerment parade known as Critical Mass, which is due to take to the streets again tomorrow.

Point Of Contention: Critical Mass

Why you hate it: It's a Friday afternoon, you've had a long, hard day at work, and you just want to get home and relax for the weekend. The absolute last thing you feel like dealing with as you crawl out of downtown traffic is a 300-person parade of whooping, hollering bicyclists. They're taking up the whole road, veering all over the place, blaring annoying music—and hell! Most of them aren't even wearing helmets! Is this even legal?! (Shake fist emphatically.)

Why you're right: The supposed m.o. of Critical Mass is civil disobedience, but they might as well call it what it really is: “commuter inconvenience.” Rush hour traffic is already a frustrating mess, but unruly cyclists causing a commotion make it downright infuriating. While they claim to be making a political statement, their parade paraphernalia mostly just says, “Look at me! I’m annoying!”: Boomboxes taped to handlebars, highlighter-colored fixed gears, those ridiculously unwieldy tall bikes, and plenty of stupid costumes add up to a mobile circus of commuter-enraging clowns. And as if those welded bric-a-brac bike frames and bulky outfits weren't dangerous enough, the Critical Massholes demonstrate zero respect for all rules of the road by constantly running red lights and veering in and out of lanes with out any regard for the multi-ton vehicles who could plow them under. If political progress were really the goal, they'd be better off biking door to door, canvassing with an initiative for more bike lanes—you know, rather than just pissing off the voting public, and ensuring they never bother to listen to anything the bikers have to say.

Why you're wrong: Citing bicyclists as the reason why you hate your daily commute is coming at the problem from the wrong end. Rush hour sucks because of too many drivers, not because of a motley handful of peaceful pedallers out for their monthly cruise. Global warming, gas prices, traffic, foreign oil dependency—the reasons to ride instead of drive increase every day. A populace that traveled by Flintstones-foot power rather than fossil fuel would live in a safer, cleaner city. The only real argument against biking is that it's dangerous, mostly because of clueless, distracted, or outright aggressive automobiles, plus an uncaring city hall that doesn't bother to provide adequate bike lanes on major thoroughfares—which, despite all the tomfoolery, really is the point of Critical Mass. Day in and day out, cyclists have to suck down exhaust and avoid being creamed by texting teenagers out cruising in daddy's new SUV. Aside from making their presence known to the community, Critical Mass serves as a day of relief for every bike rider who's had to slog through gridlock traffic while enduring the jeers of frustrated drivers.

Verdict: Despite a few dickheads, most of the Critical Mass crew are cordial and polite about their politics—and their pro-pedaling point is valid. Maybe it's time to ditch the H2 and join them.